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Saturday, May 16, 2009

Bereavement

Randy


Darren and Randy Wedding 11-08


So much has been happening since my brother’s death, Oh what a hard word to write! I keep thinking I will hear from him. The NASCAR truck race was on last night and I wondered if he was watching it. I used the jar opener he made for me from his woodworking and thanks him this time with tears in my eyes for making it for me. He just was so close to me and I know he still is, I am just having a hard time remembering him, since I will never hear his beautiful voice again.

I know I spoke of the troubles my family was having with his sudden death and I almost did not go to the Memorial Service. I felt I was ok with Randy and he would know and understand but I did finally hear that is was ok to come so I rode up with my daughter Lisa and son-in-law Wes. They made the trip a lot easier for me to just ride up and look at the scenery. I like to take a lot of photos of things I see, so again I have many more photos of barns, vintage homes, tornado and high wind damage happened just before we passed thru much of the area and of course the flowers.

We arrived just in time for the service with time to spare to go change clothes at our motel, which turned out to be not the best. We found bugs, ARG! YUK! A bathroom barely large enough to turn around in, but it was just for one night. His service was awesome. I managed to get up and tell my story, thoughts and feelings towards my brother and there was a huge crowd of his friends, many I knew their names but not faces. They came and expressed their feelings to me also and I appreciated that he was really and truly loved my so many just like he loved me. He really shared his life with so many beautiful people and I am happy that he was loved and shared his love with so many. What a night! We went to my Mother’s house to plan the ashes scattering service the next day at the lake where he loved to be. It was really easy to plan because that part of his death he had spoke about and we knew what he wanted.

The next morning we all met at Lamberts for breakfast (a must do every time we go to Missouri) The “throwed rolls” are fabulous and I tried their sorgum this time and found I really liked it so I bought a bottle to bring home, They also sell it in pails for a lot!
It is milder than some I tried before at a sorgum festival in Alabama but better than the honey they served. My nephew was having his 14th birthday and they gave him a gift of a “hubcap” really a super large cinnamon roll tied with balloons. Wes bought a couple and we had them to nibble on the next couple of days. Mmmmm Good! I love breads!

We met at the river with my other brother who drove back from Tulsa, as he had to return the night before and Darren and his new wife Amanda had come up from Louisiana. We had just attended their wedding in November and now they are expecting a little girl in October this year. My brother was so excited to be a grandfather!

I got some white rose petals from the florist and we had our ceremony. It was very touching for all of us. I know that is what he wanted!

It will still take some time for all this to sink in, We do not know the cause of death, if it was a heart attack as the first coroner thought or maybe the bends from diving, whatever caused this tragedy for us. It may take some time to hear from Arkansas where it happened.



Meanwhile, I have to get back to re-organizing my home as I was doing in the days after I heard of his death. I put myself into doing that to stay busy. I have two closed mall stores due to the economy and many things still have tags on them. I have been slower than I thought to get the photographed, a listed information and listed for sale on the Internet. EBay is costing so much to sell on, I have opened a Bonanzle store and I have two etsy shops. My Vintage store I just need to add so much merchandise to it, and the handmade shop has my Mother’s handbags and a few things I have made and listed. I have bought boo-koos of merchandise to be in my craft room that is now overflowing with merchandise, maybe I just need to sell it as is and get my income regenerated. I like to do mixed-media altered art so many things I have bought are old and not perfect so I was to use them in something I would be making one day. Well, I am tapped out of room. I need a barn! Have you seen the magazine” Where Women Create”? It has awesome ideas of workrooms! Envy!

We just had a big thunder-boomer and my first thought was of Oh, how Jordan would be so frightened. He was terrified of lightning and thunder even coming in the windows where it flashed. I have he does not hear them in Heaven, Oh, I Miss him so too! To lose both of our two 11 year old Golden Retrievers and now My Brother in one year is too much to reflect on now. It just hurts too much!

So I thank anyone who reads this for hanging in their with this long story or if no one reads it, it helps me to unravel the thought in my head.

My husband kept my grandog “Barkley with Emma” while we were gone and I will tell of their story next.

Thanks and smiles, Cyndi

3 comments:

Dani said...

thanks so much for sharing,Cyndi..I was wondering how you were...its been rough, hasn't it? Your brother had many friends and family who loved him...a very successful life.
take it one day at a time and enjoy the little things....God bless you!

Olde Dame Penniwig said...

Well, I read your post through and through. It is up to the living to remember the dead. I never got to meet your brother but I wish I could have. Through your sharing, now someone in the far corner of Texas knows a bit about the good man he was. I love that top pic of him you posted. I remember those days of the long hair, too!

All these years later, I still want to call my brother and tell him this or that. I still get dizzy sometimes, like getting hit by a 2-by-4, suddenly realizing as I reach for the phone that there's no way to call. Gone, never forgotten, will be seen again in better days to come -- keeps me going. I miss my pets who have died, too. No one can ever take their place, no one can have their special turn of mind.

You sure have had some tough losses recently. Wish I had wise and healing words, but just have simple words and the wish that you hang in there and take comfort where you can.

peggy gatto said...

I wish for you that each day will be a little brighter.